KELLY ADAMS: MANAGER, WRESTLER…..WRITER???!!!!

Posted on 05. Feb, 2008 by Emily Jane in Fighters

It seems as though www.ChickFight.tv has a new columnist in the form of Team Tan member Kelly Adams….Words escape us – but they certainly don’t escape her when she claimed to us that her new article entitled The Enlightenment “..Is one of the most relevant and groundbreaking things ever written in the history of ever”

Please note the views contained within are those of Kelly Adams and Kelly Adams only. ChickFight neither condone nor agree with any statements made and all complaints must be addressed to Kelly Adams herself.

“The Enlightenment” By Kelly Adams

Firstly I’ll start off with a quick introduction for those who do not know me. My name is Kelly Adams, Britain’s best kept secret, winner of the “Manchester’s finest rear” competition an unprecedented 3 times, former Catholic schoolgirl, friend of Jason Donovan, model and actress, Britain’s most eligible single lady, the face of the Manchester party scene and professional wrestler.

From reading the previous paragraph it is clear to see that I truly am an extraordinary human being. The other day, whilst meditating, I suddenly had a magical idea. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could share my thoughts and opinions with those poor souls who can only see the world with their poor ordinary eyes? How marvellous would it be if I could offer some enlightenment to unfortunate people?

As soon as I had finished meditating I called the Chickfight office and informed them of my plans. Although sceptical at first, they eventually agreed to allow me to publish my vision on their website.

I was slightly unsure as to what my first piece of writing should address. I knew that I needed to make an impact, I needed to make people take notice and in order to do that I was doing to write about something deep. After much deliberation I finally decided on the perfect topic…

How horribly disgusting are fat people?!?!

Seriously, fat people are terrible. They offend my eyes! Okay, I realise that saying “fat people” is considered a cruel jibe, so for the sake of political correctness I shall refer to them as “plus sized”.

I genuinely cannot comprehend how plus sized people come to be? I mean the obvious answer is “they eat a lot” but in all honesty it baffles even me. How can someone eat that much? Surely there must be a point in a plus sized persons life, when they look in the mirror and say to themselves “Oh no! I have become a heffer!” And surely at that point they must endeavour to do something about it? Once you have accepted that you are the size of a small whale it must be impossible to be comfortable in your own body. If I were to become a plus sized person I would be in the gym every day, until I was acceptable again.

The worst is when plus sized people try to justify their vile size with the infamous excuse “It’s because I am big boned.” HA! Don’t make me laugh you over-sized brutes! They must think that we’re stupid! How can somebody be big boned? It’s impossible! I have never seen a fat skeleton…

Plus sized people never seem to have any concept of personal space either. I remember a few weeks ago I was on a bus (Yes, sometimes even I do find myself travelling with the great unwashed on public transport!) and a rather hefty looking man waddled on to the bus and then proceeded to sit next to me. Goodness gracious I was almost sick on the spot! I could feel some of the man’s excess flab squashed against my hips. It was possibly the most distressing 20 minutes of my life, further hindered by the fact that he seemed to be having severe breathing difficulties (probably due to the amount of weight he carried) and sounded like a distorted Darth Vader!

The thing that annoys me the most though is when the media try to embrace fat celebrities. In my humble (yet correct) opinion people like Missy Elliot, Rik Waller and Kelly Osbourne were the worst things to happen to our planet since Global Warning. These people endorse obesity and send false messages to children. Children look at people like Rik Waller and get the impression that fat people can make something of their lives. The children will think that all you need to get by in the world is talent and heart. This is wrong. Beauty is everything! Missy Elliot, Rik Waller and Kelly Osbourne are not good role models.

Kelly Adams, Jade and Paris Hilton are good role models. We give younger people a sense of reality, as opposed to creating a fantasy world that will be crushed as they get older. Beauty is the key to survival. You can be the nicest most talented person in the world, but if you’re butt ugly – No one cares!

The reason that Jade and I are as extraordinary as we are is because we are a new breed of human being. As a race we are evolving, and now some people can be both beautiful AND talented. People like us are the future. It is extremely apparent. No matter where we are, be it a nightclub, a beach, a gym or a wrestling ring, we stand out and excel every possible way.

Unfortunately people, that is all I have got time to write. I’m invited to a small gathering that Mick Hucknall is throwing for a few of his closest friends and companions. OK! Magazine are quite possibly going to be there, what with Mick being the lead singer of Simply Red and all. If OK! Magazine are going to be there, then I need to look ravishing so I’m going to go and top up my tan. No-one wants to look appear looking pasty in Britain’s leading magazine now, do they?

Ciao!

xxx